Contributors
Not sounding English
Here are brief tips to get you started in making sure that you aren't mistaken for someone who understands or can speak English English.
Vocabulary
Watch out for certain terms. You might be familiar with them from home, but they are going to get you in hot water in the U.K. I don't mean the usual schoolboy jokes like English rubber (which means 'eraser') or pants ('skivvies'). I mean the more difficult terms that you might drop casually into your speech, inadvertently suggesting that you are some kind of Brit. Especially beware of:
- lift. Never use this word to mean an elevator. Only use it as in: "Y'all look taller today; you wearing lifts?"
- queue up. Try the New York local phrase "stand on line". It is very un-British and sounds high-tech.
- cheers. This is the name of a bar in Boston and has no other meaning.
- bugger off. Don't even try to use a part of this. It's just plain trouble. Think of something else to do.
- flat. I note that -- at least where I live in the U.S. -- this means a certain kind of apartment. But you shouldn't use it in any kind of real-estate context, except: "that there Realtor's joke fell flat as a pancake".
- brilliant. You should only use this in sentences like "The nucular blast was so damn brilliant, all the coyotes got retina burn".
- innit. In fact, this means absolutely nothing, even though it is perhaps the commonest phrase in English English speech. Say "you know" or "uh" instead.
- from the States. Be sure to rephrase to say "American". If you know how to pronounce it as a sort of animal grunt -- a homonym with "merkin" -- this works well. (I can't do this, but my friends from Texas are darn tootin at it.) Also, note that you should always say "U. S. of A." when you can.
- ta. This one is a trap, because ta means only 'thank you' and ta ta means only 'goodbye'. To avoid mixing them up, say, "thanks a heap" and "y'all take care of yourself now" instead.
- lovely. Do not use.
Interjections and nonce phrases
I recommend lots of interjections. They spice up your American talk like an ornery javelina spices up an indoor funeral. Here are some that go over well:
- dang nab it. I've never met an American who actually says this, and it may have been invented by screenwriters in the 1950s. But it definitely keeps the English on their toes, comprehension-wise.
- I'll be a monkey's uncle. You can use "monkey", but I like to insert other American favorites like "jackrabbit", "rattlesnake", "hellbender", "pawpaw", "Hoosier", and "skunk".
- git along now. You don't have to add anything to this, and you can use it to mean almost anything.
- well, sugar. This is a good one. There are lots of other ersatz-cuss words that you can use, like "shoot", "dang", "flipping", and "shucks".
- howdy, how y'all doing? This is pretty much the only way to greet an English person properly.
- jeepers, compadre! I don't know why this one works so well, but it does. Use to express surprise with something someone just said to you.
- back in the hoosegow / pokey / slammer. Talking about jail (gaol) is a good way to establish yourself as American. Make sure to suggest first-person familiarity, regardless of experience.
- vis-à-vis. You should use this often. It doesn't really matter in what context. A request like "Can we get the tab vis-à-vis what we ordered?" works well.
- nuts. Use this as an all purpose curse. Think of it like a visiting Elizabethan English person stubbing his toe in your local diner and calling out "zounds".
Test
You probably know by now that you need to be careful about sounding like a Brit in any way whatsoever. Otherwise, you will be expected to eat mushy peas, queue up, and mind the gap. So here's a short lesson, based on my experience. Please translate this into non-English.
I took the stopping train for Ealing Broadway with Trevor and Nigel. The guard instructed me I wasn't to smoke anywhere on the station. The train called at Tooting Bec but was presently held due to leaves on the line. I shouted, "oy, tell your mum we'll be late" to my mates.
If you can translate this successfully, you're doing pretty well.
[Answer: Me, T.J., and Bubba rode the local going to the main station in Ealing. The conductor said to put out my cigarette. We stopped in some podunk town and then we were delayed because of a labor dispute. I hollered, "don't worry, your mom will wait for us at the depot."]
Posted by David Sloo
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Please report to your muster station
The signs on a ship are like nowhere else.
Posted by David Sloo
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With collards
Spicy beef link sandwich. Add sport peppers and vinegar to hep up the sauce. Outdoor table, one lane and three pine trees off the freeway.
Posted by David Sloo
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The great zweiback / Melba toast debate
It is well known that citizens of the world fall into two camps: hard tackers and ship's biscuitmen, or those leaning zweiback versus the Melba toast partisans. It's like football for the rest of us.
A great sociological question remains: are those who barrack for Manchester United aligned with the zweibackers or the Melba toastites?
Posted by David Sloo
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There is no substitute
We had a spectacular Hallowe'en. Not too much candy (though certainly a surfeit), but a lot of costume-watching. Cowboys are in!
Posted by David Sloo
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